Friendship

What does the word “friendship” evoke in me? First and foremost, it is a likeability. I am in a place, a time and in a company that I like to be in. My earliest memory of that place is in first grade (or first standard as we call it in India), under big Gulmohar trees, after school, waiting to be picked up, with an Assamese girl called S, whom everybody called Dulla (‘u” as in “pull”). We were always the last ones to be picked up, and everyday, we would spend a brief time by ourselves under those trees. I do not remember what we talked about, or what we did, but there is a faint memory of picking seeds together. That was my first friendship. Dulla had the distinct features of people from the northeast India – perfectly straight brown hair cut short to her ears, narrow brown eyes, beautifully smooth skin and cheeks that grew pink in the sun. I remember that I liked how different from everyone else she looked, and I was always amused by the surprise she evoked in people when she opened her mouth to speak flawless Malayalam.

Once when we found out that both of us owned similar black sandals, with little butterflies on the straps, we decided to wear them to school the next day. School was strict about uniforms, and only black shoes were allowed, except on rainy days. Sadly, it did not go down well with the teacher, and we got a warning. I remember the excitement, and also the regret, and how I vowed never to break rules again.

Our school was housed in the CPCRI (Central Plantation Crops Research Institute) premises where my grandfather worked, and so did Dulla’s father. This was before the new school buildings came up in the residential section of the campus, a few kilometers away. Dulla left Kasaragod, and moved to Ooty in the second grade. I think we sent each other a few letters after that. But by the time our school took us on a trip to Ooty a few years later, I had lost touch with her. On that trip, we lodged overnight in the Kendriya Vidyalaya building there (my school was also a Kendriya Vidyalaya- a central government run school, and part of a nation wide system) and I remember wondering then if she was nearby.

By then, I had also made many other friends. I was a very timid child, and in all new situations, I would take some time to step out from my shell. But my school was a small one, and there were about 25 kids in my class. Spending time with the same bunch everyday meant that even the timid ones like me made friends. And I was likeable and I liked people, even when I felt shy. If there is one thing I distinctly remember about myself, it is this- that I liked people. I liked watching people. I particularly admired those, young or adult, who could be in the world as if they owned it. I was certainly not one of them.

I have been trying to read up on friendships over the past few days to understand my own experiences with friendships, what place it occupied in my life, why, and how my expectations from it has changed over the years, and how it has shaped me. What role does friendship play in our sense of self, in how we define our identity? Does this role in identity building also translate to a similar role in the character building of a society?

I know these are broad questions. I raise them just to sort of set a vision for myself in my explorations.

I came upon a great article called “The Six Forces that Fuel Friendships” written by the Atlantic editor Julie Beck, who condensed her insights from interviewing real life friends for her series called “Friendship Files“. The six forces are accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination, and grace. (You can read a summarized version here.)

Accumulation signifies the time that is spent together. She says that it takes about 40-60 hours of time spent together in the first six weeks to become even a casual friend. Even more for more. This is the reason why most friendships happen at work, in schools, churches, and at extracurricular activities.

Attention is the awareness you bring to the people around you, and to be on the look out for signs of a potential friend, to look even in unlikely places, to notice a mutual interest, and a liking. Intention is the action that follows this attention. It requires courage, the willingness to be awkward, and be vulnerable. It might even require a kind of courtship. Ritual involves the effort that you bring to the performance of this friendship- the lunch meetings, the shared activities, the rituals of being in touch etc. Imagination helps you shape the friendship to be whatever you want it to be rather than something on the sidelines of other things. And grace allows for forgiveness, space, and expansiveness.

Looking back on our lives, we see these forces in action even when we did not recognize them as such. Friendships in early childhood just happened. Through play and trial and error, you begin your journey into the world of friendships, its various meanings and possibilities.

Years later, a friend from my later years at the same school in Kasaragod, who is one of those people who has a way of keeping in touch with practically everyone she has been friends with, told me that she could put me in contact with Dulla again. But I never took her up on that offer. Its been so many years and I know that I have changed and she has too. What do we do once we make contact again?